Since that case my life change, multiple mental breakdowns sometimes my mood swing become worst but mostly I having low moment with suicidal ideation and my panic attack keep coming, Everyday it was very difficult day for me, no one asked me how to face this even friend turn to be foe, I have been ostracized by my party members too since that day, try faking my smile every day and cheers myself up but the deep hole darkness keep haunting me. The more I hide the pain, the more it kills me from the inside.
How to solve this issue? How? Most of them use my case as their political punchbag to further their political mileage, no one will talk behalf on me sincerely, they thought I lodge the report because I want to climb higher in politic using this dirty politics. Truth is thing happened, I try give my best to think positive about my party leaders, but they seem ignore and push me away. Maybe because I against someone who come from high class family so no one trust me, no one was really there for me all this time. Some use me for their political mileage they are not the one who was there for me when I am fighting battle. I really feel lonely take this road, it seems like a suicide path for me when I lodge the report. Frankly said, after the announcement of DNAA my heart break into pieces, every day I sleep with tears, sometimes I didn't know what cause me in pain. It's difficult to even breathe and everything too dark in front of me. I didn't see lights anymore, everything scares me. One I thought will fight for me, left me and never want to reply to my text anymore. Everyone busy with their life, I'm just not that important for anyone, I'm not anyone son/daughter so my case is not important for them.
No one voice out the injustice happened to me. All of those activists either those championed mental health issue, women issues, sexual harassment issue and a lot more none of them appears to talk about my DNAA case. Those silent treatment about my case really kill me, they never care about me, about how I feel they just busy politicking for the sake of power not for the PEOPLE. All this time I was wrong, I was wrong think by politic I can change my miserable life, but my life turn be more miserable than before.
Why God test me in so many levels? Why can't I live happily like others? Why no one was there for me when I need them? Why no one listen for my cry of help? Why I have to go through all of this thing alone without no one by my side? If just I have someone I love to cheer on me or at least be my good listener at least it can relieve my burden, but I never have anyone. I never involved in a serious relationship maybe because of my past experience, maybe because the fear of abandonment. My dream I want to live happily like others, have someone that love me and live in peace.
I really feel tired right now, I feel tired to feel this pain and hope I can rest well soon. To family and friend who read this I'm sorry to let you down and not fighting hard enough, please wish well that I can survive longer in this cruel harsh world. I want to keep continue living but why I feel I'm dead from the inside already?
