Yesterday is Mystery, Today It Could Be History

 *Part 2*

Last time I wanna tell something important here, but it take courage and time how to story about my dark incidents. Have you ever wonder why certain things happened in your life? When something bad happened have you ever think why it continuously happened to you? Many times, this things keep lingering in my head. Sometimes I blame myself for no reason. It sucks because you feel your existence seems a misfortune for everyone around you too. I feel that way most of the time.

When I was 19 years old first tragic event happened in my life, I have found myself follow strangers which promised to sent me to the bus station nearby but end up he took me for granted and lock me somewhere in the shanty barn around middle of the small jungle. I think that is the moment how everything change in my life, I use to be the most confident person, brave and care about everyone around me but since that day my life turns into the darkness. I've been physically abused, mentally torture and hits by a few man inside that barn. It started from 6pm until I'm successfully ran away around 2.10am, at least around 8 hours and 10 minutes I've been lock up there and face scariest thing in my life alone. Some grope my body, another one dragged me in the room try to rape me and because one of the man have intention to rape me I hits a window there, hold piece of window on my hand until my hand bleeding a lot. Whenever the kidnappers panick see blood all over my body, I took that opportunity try running away in the middle of the night. There's no residents around that place just trees and bushes. Its really dark and its rain drizzling outside there, there also lightning that accompanied me that night.

All the man who kidnapped me run to find me but left untrace cs I hold my breathe when I was hiding among the trees even when they actually just around me that time and luckily no one bring any torchlight. It took me 15 to 20 minutes hiding in the darkness alone with possibility attacked by dangerous animal but I have no choice unless to save myself from all of the 'animals' masked with this human face. I remember vividly that day how frightened I am to hide in that little jungles alone, my heart stop pounding for a while just to ensure those guys left. After I didn't listen any muffled voices I confirmed that everyone left the scenes then I ran faster to find any house nearby. After 10 minutes running alone then I find 2 house which still not off the lights. I believe the owner of that house still not sleeping yet so I barge in their house area and knocked the door while shouting for help. Luckily there's a woman early 30s open the window and ask what did I do around her house to discern the truth, she seems shocked look the tangled me and I'm straight away telling her I need her to call cops because I've been kidnapped and I'm hurting when trying to escape from them. She gave an incredulous stare at first but looking at my injury, she instantly open the door.

The scar still there

Around 3am I arrived at the police station nearby, my dad coming. I can see my siblings was there too. My sister, Dayah sobbing in the car worried about me even my younger sister Fatin. I just give frazzle stares at them because its really exhausted on that day. I didn't even eat anything since yesterday noon. However, the case still NFA until today it because I'm start having mental health problem. Its irony, the bright me suddenly change into a passive person. It take me few weeks before I get back my spirit, I can see how devastated my father that time. He blames himself, sometimes he overwork maybe make himself busy will make he forget all of the problems he need to endure alone. I feel like I'm a burden to him hence on that day I promise to myself only to look as ludicrous I am and hefty strong so my parents won't worried thinking of me. Times ticking by, day by day I just live my life, some good some bad but I keep move forward even I feel lost. 

Past a decade now I face another sexual harassment issues, this time I lodged a police report against an eminence politician. This is another hard times for me and whenever the DPP (Deputy Public Prosecutor) asked me the details of the incident I find out the defendant teams will all out against me with sorts of dirty tactic especially using a psychological attack. Well, I'm actually worried if this case become NFA just like my previous case but I also have been informed that perpetrator have been charged in the court last year so most probably the case will still continue and today I'm still waiting for my trial. I've been informed from both my lawyer and DPP that I need to recall back my NFA case because its related with my current trauma and frankly said the first one hurt me mostly while the second one triggered my trauma. I'm ready to give my statement until I get the justice I want so I can live properly like other people's outside there.

Whenever DPP keep asked me about man and have ever I date before, it makes me sombre because I know I have been that weirdo unpredictable mysterious girl just because the confusion and deep sorrow I hide all this time. The DPP said she hope someone will appear at the court show support to me, and she hope for any man probably to cheer me up. I told her it's impossible as I know nothing about love. On that time I realized, my smile only because I want to hide my pain, my energetic me just because I promise to myself won't make others worried but I'm fail to protect myself since that day too. Its 14 years waiting for justice and the emotion stuck there, (another 2 years my sexual harassment case) gave such a burden for me and the curse of 14 years stuck with my trauma will be open slowly this upcoming trial. I think the case gonna be blow up  because it will exposed the cripple legislative and judiciary system in this country, how an underprivileged person survived in such a circumstances without no one by her side. I took psychology course because no one understand the broken me so I learn to fix myself alone, to understand my unconscious mind, to understand my complex emotions while some people take the course because of their passion or aims for a job prospect my mission only want to heal myself so I'm not really focus on scoring or grades. 

How I'm struggle all this while, repetitive relapsed

After that I choose joined politic so I can be someone that can amend this rotten system too. I climb slowly in politic know that I need to do something to save myself, I yearned this day will coming and God's plan really beautiful. He arrange plan for me so I can rest properly and strong enough to face everything when I'm an adults. Dear Good Lord, I know you up there observed me everyday, listen to me and help me to where I am today, thank you. Thank you for every mysterious thing that You did even when I keep being a failure miserable servants for You, I described You as one most of loyal friend in this life even when I can't see you. One thing I learn from my life experience the subtle message from Him that I finally understand, nothing is permanent even shadow will left you too in the darkness so keep relying on You and yourself.

It remind me about this Surah Insyirah verse [94:6] 

فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا

So truly when there is hardships there is also ease. Truly with hardships come ease.

Hello 2023, I left this heartbreaking story here so I won't cry alone face something in the court next January. Dear self, thank you become this resilient facing all the tribulations alone, I'm proud of you!

Yesterday is Mystery, Today It Could Be History

I always wondering why my life keep being messy, I didn't live like a normal mundane life so far. My life full with surprise. Some said I'm the weirdo, some portrayed me as blabbermouth girl, some said I'm too sweet-hearted but anyway it doesn't answer my true character. The only thing I know I feel walk alone face the music in front of my face, no one to talk to, sometimes sleeping is my best way to handle every sadness and rejection that I've been through. I care too much about someone because my life just feel that empty coins, trying to cheers everyone around me with my small gestures and bright smile but deep down I'm the one who broken in silence. 

A couple of times I feel give up with my life I mean my suicidal ideation and how I almost died couple of times enough to say what my 'give up' mean here. When I was 23 years old my doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder type 2, well at first I couldn't accept it because mental health isn't a trendy things that I would praise of to everyone its a scar that full with soppy dramatic story and that's why I study psychology course, to understand myself better. Unless when my doctor mentioned about my high IQ level and my brain creative compare than average human beings, feel its the good things about broken human like me. I have made some research about bipolar my friend said I'm the madness genius while my doctor said my brain analyzed something quick than everyone else, its something that I need to be proud of because my brain seems keep in track something faster. At least that's what I'm realized, being too energetic and talking too much then suddenly switched to be the most saddest person in the world really made me realized I'm fighting with the demons inside of me every single day. 

Sometimes I overthink with a lot of things until couldn't sleep properly at night. Have you imagine I always overthink when one can't reply my text? Did this person hate me? Did this person don't like me? Did this person try to ostracize me for being a weirdo? Did I do something that he/she hate me? Things that running wild into my head once a while. I'm tired to deal with my sulky mood. So the things when I want to understand from others perspective try to ask something straight forward, "Hey do you hate me?" Hey do you like me? If you like me say so I may not realized about it" This is things I always come out with but people said I'm talk bluntly and its kind of weird. I think I'm not weird but normal human beings always do complicated things like hiding their feelings, say double meaning things just for the sake of "I wanna advise" you, I don't really understand that part. It's too heavy for me or maybe because my brain digest lots of important message so human emotion isn't something I need to be filtered.  I think that's most of my bipolar patient works, if I monitor some well known celebrity or public figures deal with their life we all have same pattern that's straight forward answer. Its a unique things I can see it, a divergent mind that breaks social norms, a non-conformity group.

I start embrace my weakness and accept who I am, speak up about my struggles in this harsh world who say it easy? It never be. Most of the people around me keep saying some nasty stuff about me crazy or attention seeker? Hurmmm.. well as for me I don't need that. I need myself to face all of the obstacles in this life. One can't guarantee their loyalty for you its either you brave enough to walk alone or crying your heart out just because you're alone. Well for me alone and lonely its two different thing, one can be alone but not lonely but one really lonely and alone so distinguish that.

Hey I'm sorry this post quiet dramatic I have something to do, will continue later. I'm about to share my story later. Stay tune!

*Part 1*

Kehidupan

Tiap insan di dunia ini mencari makna sebenar kehidupan,

Ada yang terbuai dengan material, ada yang terbuai dengan kekayaan dunia,

Ada yang masih tercari-cari erti kehidupan,

Pelbagai rencam, pelbagai ragam itulah manusia.

Kebanyakannya malah alpa dengan tujuan sebenar hidup di alam fana ini,

Aku? 

Aku jua hanyut dengan godaan dunia,

Namun hari demi hari aku merasa lelah dengan dugaan dunia,

Walau bercanda ketawa bersama teman setia,

Jauh di dasar hati ia tidak cukup menggembirakan hati nan lara,

Mata yang penat melihat dunia,

Hati yang sakit melawan pancaroba dunia,

Suara yang meronta minta dibawa olehNya,

Suatu hari kita semua pasti pergi meninggalkan pentas dunia,

Membawa seribu satu kebaikan pada umat manusia

atau kemusnahan maha besar pada generasi seterusnya?

Hari ini aku sendiri menemani jiwa yang gundah-gulana,

Kata hatiku cuma satu sahaja,

Biar aku pergi dengan meninggalkan seribu satu kebaikan pada semua,

Biar pergi dijemput malaikat syurga,

Semoga rasa hilang nikmat dunia, 

Diganti dengan yang terbaik di akhirat sana.

Keliru

Kadang hati bingung memikirkan rasa hati,

Kadang hati bimbang memikirkan nasib diri,

Kadang terpukul dek kata-kata nista manusia iri,

Kadang terasa lelah ingin membawa diri.

Kita manusia punya pelbagai rasa,

Kita manusia punya pelbagai kerenah,

Kita manusia punya naluri berbisa,

Kita manusia yang punya salah.

 

SHE

She is beautiful but she is lonely,

She look strong but deep down her heart is fragile,

She is cold hearted woman even she look friendly,

She anguished over sorrow even her smile bright all the time