Yesterday is Mystery, Today It Could Be History

I always wondering why my life keep being messy, I didn't live like a normal mundane life so far. My life full with surprise. Some said I'm the weirdo, some portrayed me as blabbermouth girl, some said I'm too sweet-hearted but anyway it doesn't answer my true character. The only thing I know I feel walk alone face the music in front of my face, no one to talk to, sometimes sleeping is my best way to handle every sadness and rejection that I've been through. I care too much about someone because my life just feel that empty coins, trying to cheers everyone around me with my small gestures and bright smile but deep down I'm the one who broken in silence. 

A couple of times I feel give up with my life I mean my suicidal ideation and how I almost died couple of times enough to say what my 'give up' mean here. When I was 23 years old my doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder type 2, well at first I couldn't accept it because mental health isn't a trendy things that I would praise of to everyone its a scar that full with soppy dramatic story and that's why I study psychology course, to understand myself better. Unless when my doctor mentioned about my high IQ level and my brain creative compare than average human beings, feel its the good things about broken human like me. I have made some research about bipolar my friend said I'm the madness genius while my doctor said my brain analyzed something quick than everyone else, its something that I need to be proud of because my brain seems keep in track something faster. At least that's what I'm realized, being too energetic and talking too much then suddenly switched to be the most saddest person in the world really made me realized I'm fighting with the demons inside of me every single day. 

Sometimes I overthink with a lot of things until couldn't sleep properly at night. Have you imagine I always overthink when one can't reply my text? Did this person hate me? Did this person don't like me? Did this person try to ostracize me for being a weirdo? Did I do something that he/she hate me? Things that running wild into my head once a while. I'm tired to deal with my sulky mood. So the things when I want to understand from others perspective try to ask something straight forward, "Hey do you hate me?" Hey do you like me? If you like me say so I may not realized about it" This is things I always come out with but people said I'm talk bluntly and its kind of weird. I think I'm not weird but normal human beings always do complicated things like hiding their feelings, say double meaning things just for the sake of "I wanna advise" you, I don't really understand that part. It's too heavy for me or maybe because my brain digest lots of important message so human emotion isn't something I need to be filtered.  I think that's most of my bipolar patient works, if I monitor some well known celebrity or public figures deal with their life we all have same pattern that's straight forward answer. Its a unique things I can see it, a divergent mind that breaks social norms, a non-conformity group.

I start embrace my weakness and accept who I am, speak up about my struggles in this harsh world who say it easy? It never be. Most of the people around me keep saying some nasty stuff about me crazy or attention seeker? Hurmmm.. well as for me I don't need that. I need myself to face all of the obstacles in this life. One can't guarantee their loyalty for you its either you brave enough to walk alone or crying your heart out just because you're alone. Well for me alone and lonely its two different thing, one can be alone but not lonely but one really lonely and alone so distinguish that.

Hey I'm sorry this post quiet dramatic I have something to do, will continue later. I'm about to share my story later. Stay tune!

*Part 1*